That doorway in the picture has been one of more important places in my life. I stepped across it to enter seminary - I stepped across it for lunches and coffee runs that I will never forget. I stepped across it with my heart broken, then mended, then broken again. Inside those doors I have learned leadership, theology, psychology and that rarely is anything what it appears to be. I lost and found my faith, just to have it ripped apart and remade. I've lived and died in that place.I stepped across that threshold this weekend to take my place among the people that I love...and I will step across it again this fall as I finish the longitudinal study on clergy wellness. That is a lot of times through one door.
Do you ever think about the butterfly effect? What does that mean, step on a butterfly today, kill a million people three years from now. The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in another location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. While the butterfly does not "cause" the tornado in the sense of providing the energy for the tornado, it does "cause" it in the sense that the flap of its wings is an essential part of the initial conditions resulting in a tornado, and without that flap that particular tornado would not have existed. What changes has it caused in the world that I went rock climbing one day, or met a person in the hospital, that I went home instead of waiting, that I said yes instead of no? What inalterable history dissolved into a new realtiy? Wow, I love the paradox of the butterfly effect because it says that nothing is definite...the butterfly hasn't landed yet, and it's not yet there to flap a wing. Maybe it won't come at all. Maybe that obsessive tug we get about a certian person or place is our soul pleading with us to be where we were supposed to be - not where we "should."
I love the idea of the butterfly effect. It's so....full of possibility. No one has ever drawn if out for me far enough, how the delicate balance of time all plays out. There are moments in meditation that I feel like I almost come to understanding this one elemental piece of the universe....and then it fades. I don't understand ..yet. But I will.
There are so many wonderful things in this life, I hope that you find today a joy, not a trial. I'm struggling with emotions still, wanting to scream out loud, but it's getting better. Today I have prayer incense burning and candles lit; I am okay within myself and balanced. I'm not depressed, my head isn't swollen or trying to kill me, and my hands aren't shaking, so bonus. Although I am a bit haunted, it's an early day for Brian, and he and I have three days of peace together, then four days of prep, then seven days of vacation in NC and Jacksonville. On the beach, sun and surf, just relaxing and playing golf.
Today is the day when I can scamper the house and get some stuff done. I am unenthusiastically working on clearing out all of Taryn's old toys from her former playroom and prepare to repaint that room once again. Then it's on to the clothes room. Even I shudder at remaking that mess of a room. Everything is hung up, it's just so disorganized. I will take a before and after photo.
The question from Alice in Wonderland came to me this morning as something to think of other than the ghost. How is a raven like a writing desk? The madness of it all. Like Alice, I am wandering a path toward a goal and sometimes along the way, no one makes sense.
But why is a writing desk like a raven?
I have no idea.
